Horoscopes

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Horoscopes

Look here to learn what the 'stars' have in your future. They're not in order and don't have any dates; were just too damn lazy.

Pisces- Today you will be trampled by a pack of rabid llamas.

Libra- Everyone has a purpose in life... perhaps yours is to serve as a warning to others.

Leo- Tu madre es muy peludo. Oh yeah, I went there.

EDITOR'S NOTE: English MotherF#$$ER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!
-LJW

Gemini- you will be molested by a white black man.

Scorpio- Shut your mouth, people like it that way.

Virgo- You'd better listen to the baby below.  YOU MUST FOLLOW HIM IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

Aquarius- do not signal batman this week he feels homosexual and is quite drunk.

Capricorn- Watch out for albino hippies, those bastards have it in for you.

Taurus- Today you will find a new diet...canibalism.

Saggitarius- Weig is watching you.

Cancer- given your star sign, your diagnosis is quite ironic.

Aries- Today you will find out your mom is really your dad, and vice versa.